Re-Balancing After Loss: Carry Two Buckets

(Author's source,
used with permission)

Grandpa Gus was a hard working farmer in Iowa. It was a good life and in wartime, demand was high for eggs, milk, corn and soybean crops. 

Gus, like most grandparents, welcomed the eager participation of visiting grandkids. Chores were assigned because chores are a part of life, but for a townie, the farm was loaded with adventures. From dumping a pail of kitchen scraps in the hog pen, balancing on a milking stool, or avoiding hen pecks while collecting eggs, each task came with a few how-to's and occasionally some patient I-told-you-so's. The lessons were basic and sometimes--profound.

Always Carry Two Buckets

Balancing heavy loads is both art and science. Grandpa Gus routinely carried two buckets loaded with any number of things, and while weights could be substantial, he'd learned that balance was key. 

Isn't it true that one of the most difficult aspects of losing a loved one is the sudden sense of imbalance? Countless habits and routines now feel off-kilter. In her song "My Old Man," Joni Mitchell lamented, "The bed's too big, the frying pan's too wide."  Not simply the realm of spouse/partner death, this lopsided, not-right feeling can surge with the death of a child, the loss of a close friend, or the end of a job. It may seem like everything needs to be figured out again!

Will I Ever Feel Happy?

Our basic quest to feel balanced is normal; like gravity, it anchors almost all choices and activities. Fortunately, I believe life balance can be healed and restored in the metaphor of Grandpa Gus's advice:  always carry two buckets. 

Here's how to get started...Identify your buckets

(Source: Hemerson Coelho on Unsplash)

One bucket is already brimful of feelings. Accept and be gentle with that deeply personal load. Follow the McCartney lyrical adage: Let It Be. 

Your second bucket should hold whatever (used to) makes you smile, feel good, and awaken curiosity. Consider experiences that reduce self absorption. Trust that your first bucket is doing its job of holding emotions and fears. As you fill, empty, and refill this second bucket, I promise you that the first bucket will begin to feel a little bit lighter. 

(Source: Heather McKean on Unsplash)

Consider Lighter Loads

1. Exercise and Spend time in nature
2. Volunteer
3. Find new homes for (gifting/donating) some of the decedent's belongings
4. Start a Gratitude Journal or Bowl
5. Meet trusted friends for coffee
6. Walk through a gallery or museum
7. Explore spirituality
8. Take a just-for-fun class
9. Review your own bucket list and make a plan!
10. Challenge 'Life' to send you wonderful surprises (It will!)

(Source: Rafael Garcin on Unsplash)

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Coping with Covid-19 Stress: Finding Pleasure and Peace in Slow

Jackrabbit on trail
Author image

While hiking under a gently warming Arizona sun last summer, I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was used to avoiding the occasional free ranging cattle and their plops. I was also used to scanning the surroundings for snakes. But, discovering that a resting, coiled snake may resemble a dry manure mound, was startling.

My usual panoply of sensory pleasures--wide sky, bird calls and blooms--with the addition of now-suspicious plops, became a Code Red cacophony. At my usual swift stride, I called back to my hiking buddy, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to watch out for!” His simple reply changed my life: Why don’t you slow down?

Crisis Intervention

Slow down. This message permeates health and wellness media with calls to be mindful, focused, conscious, present, aware, tuned in, receptive, centered, grounded. Now, Covid-19 prevention is mandating us to slow down, too. During a crisis, the sense of vulnerability heightens and our tolerance for mental chaos may fluctuate. This is highly characteristic of the grief journey. Individual thresholds for ‘chaos’ vary, like a strong radio signal that turns to static. If you’re feeling mental static, it’s time to turn off the “breaking news” and tune in to yourself. Slow down.

Cloud gazing
Author image

I utilize a variety of methods to get grounded. Is the setting day or night, sunny or cloudy, private or public? Develop some methods that empower you with choice and comfort. Simple “meditation” can be sitting with eyes closed and focusing on breath. Get on the floor or a yoga mat and stretch, roll, breathe. I also highly recommend cloud gazing (best done with formations, not full-sky gray.) Relax and watch them drift, change shape. Brief, light tapping on oneself (also known as the Emotional Freedom Technique,) may be calming and done anywhere, with subtlety. Can you step outside for a walk or play a soothing tune? If traveling, find the airport terminal art gallery before takeoff or, read a short, enjoyable text.

Blue Skipper on leaf
Photo used with permission
Jim Hunter, Fairbanks, AK

Savor the Slow

As a writer, I value words for many reasons; language is amazing! Does my sentence need a dandelion or dahlia? Most of us enjoy reading, but I have discovered the calming pleasure of reading word... by...word. Taking that brief text, prayer, proverb or affirmation, I read one word at a time. Try this: Savor that word! Let its shape and sound and nuance roll around in your mind like a peppermint on the tongue. Then, read the next word, and so on. I am usually a happy, limp noodle after only one sentence!

It is important to remember that slowing down is not just for Code Red situations. In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle advises that a steady practice of being mindful during all daily activities will strengthen mindfulness during difficult moments. I hope you, too, can discover the pleasure and peace of ‘slow.’

Read other posts about mindfulness: 

Beth Surdut: Paying Attention is an Art

Living with a Disability, Part 1: Debunking Stereotypes

There's a Bear in the Closet: finding your safe spaces

Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

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Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

Author photo

Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

UNEXPECTED LESSONS

On a walk this morning, I crossed paths with several ant colonies at work. Just as the bees, birds, and butterflies are busy collecting pollen and nectar from the wonderful blooms, the ants are signalling: it's feast time! What we sweep away as waste: dropped blooms, leaves, and other organic traces-- is headed for ant distribution, storage and most importantly: stomachs. 

Though we are routinely taught to shoo them away from the picnic table, and I'll admit: I don't want them in my home--ants are a fascinating species I have learned to learn from! 

YOU MAY BE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

According to National Geographic Kids, "the ant is one of the world’s strongest creatures in relation to its size. A single ant can carry 50 times its own bodyweight, and they’ll even work together to move bigger objects as a group!"

When I am faced with an onerous or unfamiliar task, my knee-jerk reaction may be "I can't do it." But long ago, when faced with a challenging school project, my mother helped me sort out the difference between 'can't' and 'don't want to'. She gently advised me to not be afraid of hard work. Well, grieving can be a 'climbing Mt. Everest' kind of struggle. Every step requires the climber to dig soul-deep for the strength and motivation to continue. However, with very few exceptions, these climbers can reach the summit because they are roped with and work as-- a team!

DON'T 'GO IT ALONE'

Ants are team players-- described by entomologists as eusocial. (Yes, I take pride in noting that the workers in ant colonies are all female.) We've all observed long lines of ants carrying out tasks, and this is such an important reminder during the journey of grief. Don't  be a 'lone ranger. '

Western culture is often uncomfortable with death and grieving -- heck--we are even bombarded with anti-aging messages. The people around you may initially present admirable support, but culturally, the imperative to move on, leaves the grieving person behind. I explored these dynamics in my posts: Climbing Out of Deep Space: Through and Beyond Grief and What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved.

Thankfully, the Mourner's Bill of Rights validates your grief work. And as the ants teach us, you must form your own line(s) of ongoing support!

CALL IN THOSE FAVORS

"Ants don’t have ears, and some of them don’t have eyes! Ants “listen” by feeling vibrations from the ground through their feet, and eye-less ants such as the driver ant species can communicate by using their antennae! Plus, they can send chemical signals (called pheromones) released through their body to send messages to other ants!" (10 cool facts about ants, National Geographic Kids)

If you are in the early weeks of grief, you may need to form your own line(s) of ongoing support.  During the initial reactions and contacts by friends, were you frequently told "Let me know if you need anything"? Sympathizers usually feel so powerless, deeply wishing they could help you pole-vault over the pain and challenges. You may have felt overwhelmed or exhausted and at that moment could not hand over a list or ask for specific help.

During moments of strength, make some calls or send some texts:  ASK. 

My readers know that good condolence includes specific and detailed offers of assistance like driving, chores, shopping, babysitting, companionship during difficult tasks. But rather than dismissing those vague, open-ended offers of help as platitudes, corral them! Start texting and phoning to cover your specific needs:

• "Can you come with me to the Social Security office on Friday?"
• "Jenna needs a ride home from school next Monday."
• "I don't know how to use the lawn mower--can you help?"
• "I dread bagging up his clothes; would you keep me company for that?"

Inviting others to feel useful and helpful in ways that you approve and appreciate is a win-win. Once upon a time, this was the social norm, but the Beatles hit With a little help from my friends reminds us this is a timeless principle, and nature--indeed, the ants-- prove it!

Read more about coping with stress:
Coping with Covid-19

Thank you for caring!

Prescription for Grief: Vitamin N Breaks Through Sadness

Children in nature's paradise. Author photo

The Growing Through Grief series

IF YOU THINK BACK, really really far back, to a time in childhood when your bare feet touched cool grass, hot sand, a soft mat of pine needles, or smooth rock-- you are remembering paradise. It doesn't matter if the sky was blue or cloudy. And for that matter, even if you wore boots and shuffled through powder snow--it was paradise. Pure joy flooded your being.

You were out of doors.

Author Richard Louv is an outspoken advocate for the importance of time with nature; time away from technology. His book, Vitamin N: The Essential Guide to a Nature-Rich Life, 500 ways to enrich your family's health and happiness asserts that the natural world has "transformative power."

Louv describes some of the benefits of Vitamin N as:

• strengthening interpersonal bonds
• freshening the senses
• nurturing resilience

Prescription for grief

Losing a loved one is a visceral experience:  muscular pain, fatigue, disrupted appetite and digestion, chest pain, headaches. Anxiety, sadness, regret and confusion may weigh so heavily as to seem unbearable. Sympathetic friends and family members often feel powerless to help. Pharmaceutical prescriptions, recreational drugs and alcohol may numb the misery, but they do not heal.

Part 6 of Louv's new book offers "ideas to use nature to heal." He is not settling for "organized play outside," but encourages those seeking healing to take "a retreat" in nature. This experience should include (regardless of weather):

• an extended time out of doors
• a focus with all senses to nature's stimuli, and
• personal expressions of feeling through writing, imagery, and inspirational reading

As a friend to a grieving person (or family,) perhaps you are not as powerless as you may think. Could you take that person or family to a beautiful natural setting? Being in nature, briefly disconnected from electronics, positively affects the nervous system and respiration; a significant sense of calm can be achieved. At first, it may feel like a small dose, and will need to be repeated, but a cumulative effect is possible. Louv also notes that people who are not often outdoors should start small, making time in nature of short duration, until ready for a longer outing. 

Fee-Free days  

From time to time, the United States National Park Service, National Forests, and State Parks offer free admission to beautiful and often historic areas.

National Park Service Fee-Free Days (remaining in 2016):

August 25 through 28: National Park Service Birthday, September 24: National Public Lands Day, November 11: Veterans Day

National Forest Fee-Free Days (remaining in 2016):  

On these days, standard amenity fees at federally operated sites will be waived. Participation for concession operated sites may vary. The Forest Service is waiving standard amenity recreation fees at sites nationwide to celebrate three different events:   June 11, 2016 – National Get Outdoors Day, September 24, 2016 – National Public Lands Day, November 11, 2016 – Veterans Day

Could Vitamin N address a deficiency in your or someone else's life? On the chance that time with nature could break through pain and sadness, what have you got to lose?

Thank you for caring!