A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

 Readers,

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It's been awhile since I just wrote some basics about supporting a grieving person. So here is a refresher, listing a dozen simple ways to express sympathy and render comfort. 

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

(from your trusted source: The Condolence Coach)

1. Listen.  2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult. "Gosh, this is a difficult time!" 3. A gentle hug or nonintrusive touch may have more value than words.  4. We all die, but there is no "easier" age for the grieving; this includes a miscarried child. 5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.  6. Learn and use a name, but it's okay to just write 'your Mom.' 7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence. 8. Ask a survivor for one of ​their​ favorite memories.  9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note. 10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.  11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices. Don't suggest things like adopting another pet, that they start dating, or that they try to have another baby. 12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

H.A.L.T: Avoiding Self Care Red Flags

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The Growing Through Grief series

As a young woman driving cross country homeward after a breakup, I'd touch base with my dad, in the evenings. There were no mobile phones, so I'd call him from the motel room telephone. It was a grim, lonely trip but one of the most important things my dad told me was to eat. "Don't skip meals, Deb; keep your strength up."

The 'strength' that comes from regular, complete nutrition cannot be overstated. In the infographic, 10 Reasons Doctors Talk About The Need For Good Nutrition & Diets, four of the ten points emphasize improved wellbeing, mood, focus and energy. When nutrition is shoddy or spotty, your personal house of cards can quickly spiral into depression, confusion, inertia and health complications. 

Despite the stress, it is important to push past all tendencies to avoid food ("I don't feel like eating" or "I've always had a small appetite"). Postponing meals and snacks ("I'm too busy to eat.") must also be counteracted. Many grieving people experience weight shifts, up or down; monitor this and consult your doctor if it goes beyond a 5-10 pound change.

Keep your battery charged

In general, coping with any stress--pandemic isolation, job or financial pressures, relationship challenges, and grief-- requires remarkable inner strength, physical stamina, and a fully charged “mental battery.” Self help writers long ago coined an acronym to assess one’s mental battery strength:  HALT. It stands for Hungry. Angry. Lonely. Tired. and feeling any one of those is a red flag needing immediate care. I am spending more time talking about nutrition (the H of HALT) because it can support and regulate so many functions of the body, brain, and mood.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry. 

Strong emotions can drive out an appetite and stress affects easy digestion, so I
would suggest sitting quietly for five to ten minutes before eating. Calm yourself by stroking your pet, listening to soft music, walking in your yard, breathing mindfully. Your brain needs fuel and choosing ‘high octane’ nutritious foods over sugary or packaged snacks is vital. Make every food choice count: high quality protein, complex carbs, fresh dark green veggies. AVOID alcohol and sugar.  Another tip for low appetite is to eat a small portion morning, midday, and late afternoon. ‘Bedtime snack’ is not a dirty word, either.

Angry.  

Anger can be a natural response to dramatic change and pain. Every cell of our being wants to react to it or run from it. You know your triggers, so choose exposure carefully. Then, know how to calm down:  call a friend or counselor, open a good book, say a prayer, find something to laugh about, listen to music, hug your pet, and my favorite: go outside for some fresh air.

Lonely.  

With CDC guidelines relaxed or cancelled as the U.S. pandemic and vaccinations stabilize, emerging from isolation is a process. For many, the experience was emotionally or financially devastating. Grieving also triggers powerful moments of loneliness. The set of HALT red flags includes loneliness because it is not just a state of mind or a poorly managed mood. It can seriously affect mental and physical health! Reach out: make phone calls to friends, family, your hospice social worker or clergy. Arrange a visit with someone. If you feel your options are narrow, just go out to a store for a break in the ache of feeling alone. 

Tired.  

A lot of things can make us tired: poor sleep, meds, stress and emotional spikes. Grief--especially the early period (which may vary by individual)--can upend your circadian rhythms, trigger fears, worries and obsessive thoughts, which seem to spike in the dark! Rest: where, when, and how you can, and shutting your eyes on the couch or recliner counts. Ask your health care provider for suggestions.

The role of a caring friend

If you are the friend of someone struggling with a loss, gently ask from time to time about the HALT aspects of self care. Bringing nutritious prepared food or taking the grieving person out for a meal can be very helpful. Offering your quiet companionship or assistance in the home may allow the person to relax and nap. Make the call, send the text: being present and open to simply listen is a huge support. 

Thank you for caring!

Put Your Heart In Everything You Do

Author's Prickly Pear

My spirit has a radar for hearts; I see hearts in many, many places. I've been scoffed at as silly, excitedly stopping on a trail to absorb its message or take a photo, but I know. The heart is powerful. It is meant to be seen, shared, experienced. Are you experiencing your heart, fully?

Fully in my Why and my Now

Scottish theologian, William Barclay noted: 

"There are two great days in a person's life-- the day we are born and the day we discover why."

For me, volunteering is my 'why' and a significant portal to heart experiences. Now retired, I bring whatever experience I can to whatever setting I choose to serve. Speaking with a friend about some of my volunteering, she surprised me, remarking, 'it sounds like you're overqualified.' To me, that term belongs in the employment arena, not while seeking a volunteer niche. Truthfully, I want to pour out my whole self--skills, awareness, and heart-- into everything I do. There is no limit, no measuring out and holding some in reserve. All I have is now, perhaps this complete 24 hour day, but most assuredly, this now-time. 

"'Now' is the closest approximation in time to the experience of eternity." - Alan Cohen

Do you remember that expression, "live like there's no tomorrow"? That's the secret to peace. It's the secret before last breaths are drawn and it opens an indescribably wonderful 'place.' So, every breath of now can open up to that place, if you give your all, your heart. 

Heart rocks, Tohono O'odham basket
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Today, with the exception of vegetative hearts like the prickly pear, I saw the largest heart rock, ever, at least 8 inches tall. At my excitement, my hiking partner remarked, "well, you have a big heart."

Growing Awareness and Grief Awareness

Growing in awareness is like nurturing a super power but it's not as complex as the plot of Marvel Comics' X-Men movie, where futuristic mutations give some humans extraordinary skills! Similar to the Coach's posts about the power of intuition, you must patiently access and practice:

1. presence
2. listening  
3. sensitivity 

You must also avoid judgement and giving advice! The super power of awareness allows you to support a grieving person, simply. Click on the skills links above and you will understand how what a grieving person most needs is understanding. Yes, Western culture has hammered away about productivity, and 'making yourself useful' but your super power as grief aware will be boundless when you works on these steps. Your heart will pour out like a balm with surprising results. As for those 'results', please don't seek them like feel-good candy. Trust that there are occurring because that is the nature of all heart investment!

Thank you for caring!

Listen! A Gift Received, A Gift Given

Everyone and every thing exists to be acknowledged, seen, and heard.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."  ~Marcel Proust

I would add to Proust's words, we must 'have new ears', too.

Thus, on an early Spring walk, while crossing a busy boulevard, I was saddened to see a large roadrunner had been killed by a vehicle. It's form was intact, a deflated silhouette. I moved quickly on to avoid a similar fate. Later that afternoon, while sitting on my patio, an unusual visitor lit onto a nearby chimney top. It was a roadrunner, smaller, perhaps a female.

Greater Roadrunner
Photo used with permission: kenneturner.com

This is a bird that "prefers sprinting to flying", electing flight primarily to enter and exit its elevated nest or escape a predator. My rooftop sighting was very unusual. As I watched, the bird began calling-- a "sharp barking" that broadcast out in the direction of the lethal boulevard. While the Cornell Ornithology Lab notes this call is used near the nest site, I suddenly knew that it was calling to its missing mate. Roadrunners mate for life--a span of 7 to 8 years. The calling and visual scanning went on for a few minutes. How do creatures know when their mate or clan member is gone for good? They must just carry on with the tasks of living.

Being present

Perhaps some readers are howling about my anthropomorphising (giving human qualities to non-humans,) and I won't go into my beliefs, here and now. My heart was touched and, for the purpose of this blog post, I want to illustrate how important it is to be a listener.

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“Listening is about being present, not just about being quiet,”reminds journalist Krista Tippett. As the listener, I was suffused with sympathy for the roadrunner calling from the roof. As you encounter another person's tragedy or sadness, be present, listen.

Start a healing conversation

In my post, Was it a Peaceful Death? Opening the Door to Healing Conversation, I coached the value of not shying away from an encounter with a grieving person. I encouraged questions such as:

• I was sorry to hear about _____. 
• How are you today? 
• Was it a peaceful death? 
• What memory of him/her are you holding close right now?
• What memory makes you smile? 

I am not suggesting you conduct an interview! One question can open up an opportunity to listen. Are you sensing that another question is useful at this moment? My intuition launched the story of these birds. You can explore the power of listening to your gut feelings here: The Physics of Intuitive Compassion: Albert Einstein had it right!

If listening to one response is enough, simply say: 

Thank you for telling me; take care of yourself.

There is always something to hear...someone, some thing grateful to be heard

Listen!

The gravel verge bears a walker:

I hear chewing of shredded wheat.

Listen!

Birds call from dawn to sundown:

tedious mourning dove blues, 

cactus wren's grinding starter,

darting quail high notes: Uh-huh-Uh-huh,

Hey-you! alert - the thrasher arrives.

Listen!

Our homes hum tones tiny to tremendous; 

stretched and still in darkness,

I seek their source, finding some

in the pestling of brain, bones, molars.

Listen!

Attending too, to unfulfilled utterances:

hesitations, head dips, hand flutters,

the staccato of unsettled eyes and breath:

these voiceless notes of soul speak

of love or loss or the deep water strokes

of living without answers. 

Listen!

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Listen! (c)2020 Deborah Chappa

Thank you for caring!

Beth Surdut: Paying Attention is an Art

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Meet Beth Surdut: Environmental Artist, Textiles Painter, and Writer. I had the pleasure of meeting this deeply spiritual and deeply earthed woman, during a recent gallery reception for her wildlife art.

Creator of "The Art of Paying Attention," a series of illustrated wildlife radio essays and true adventure stories heard and seen on NPR, Beth is always watching and listening. From the field or face to face, she raises the bar of attentiveness, for each of us. I introduce her today because she understands the journey of death.

Sacred Journey

Let us revisit the concept that death is NOT a medical event, but a spiritual one. It is sacred but often, only the dying person knows this! Beth told the story of painting a silk scarf to be gifted to a woman with terminal illness. "This will help," said the dying woman as the scarf was draped around her shoulders. When deeply asleep, the scarf could be removed and freshened but otherwise, "Where is my scarf!?" the woman demanded. Beth noted: "the healing scarves I make (unless otherwise requested) contain the Hebrew r'fuah  shleimah (complete healing, the short form of a prayer requesting the complete healing of body and spirit), whereas  a tallit-- a prayer shawl-- is for meditation that is not  necessarily associated with distress. Both are made with kavanah (intention) and offer places of comfort."

Beth also explained, for my benefit, the purpose of the Jewish prayer shawl, Tallit. As it is placed over the head and drawn down over the shoulders, the wearer enters a world of soul and God, absolute truth, the ultimate All. Prayer and meditation should be a journey--of seeking and enlightenment.

'Sacred Dying' is a term coined by the late Dr. Megory Anderson, and a ministry I described in my post Silent Night, Holy Night: Sacred Dying is another reason to write condolence. Whether you are a hospice volunteer, friend or family member of a dying individual, your presence at the deathbed can be uplifting if carefully considered. Vigiling is not for everyone, and Sacred Dying mentors stress that behaviors such as wailing and denial at bedside are disturbing to the journey and work of dying. I encourage readers to sign up for the 10 Tips to Vigil & Establish Sacred Presence.

Comfort objects

Clearly, acknowledging the sacred journey with a special scarf such as those created by Beth Surdut is like hanging a welcome banner:  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

As life, ego and cares falls away, a special object of comfort-- if given with great love-- focuses attention on a good death. Do you remember the scene in the 1981 movie, Arthur, where Dudley Moore brings gifts to his dying butler, Hobson?  The seemingly ridiculous gift of a basketball became a true comfort object--an undemanding companion.

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What would you choose for a comfort object? Is there someone you know who needs one?

Thank you for caring!

Eckhart Tolle and why teachers repeat wisdom

At the start of his big retreat events, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle shares "if you came today expecting to hear a new concept that will turn the key that puts it all together for you, you will be disappointed or bored. I will not tell you anything new but rather, only what you already know, inside."

There are many teachers who have one basic teaching and, though their books can fill a shelf, the lesson repeats.

With close to 10 years of posts, the Condolence Coach realizes readers may consider me quite repetitive. You may remember the epigraph in my book, Words for When there are No Words: Writing a Memorable Condolence Note,  "There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with"  (George Santayana). This is why I have one core teaching: 

Expressions of condolence matter.

So let's run through my key condolence wisdom teachings. When you hear of a death-- be it a loved one, a pet, an admired acquaintance or professional contact, stopping to care and express simple kindness such as: "I'm very sorry to hear that," softens life's hard edges.

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Eckhart Tolle speaks of our inner wisdom, and the Condolence Coach believes that you can train your inner compass so that sensitive sympathetic contact occurs with ease.
Take a moment to review the following list of 12 simple concepts. Copy it to your notes app or your Cloud, and assimilate it -- when you walk this wisdom, you rock this wisdom!

A Dozen Keys to Sharing Condolence and Comfort

1. Listen.
2. Acknowledge that loss is difficult.
3. A gentle hug, shoulder touch, may have more value than words.
4. We all die, but there is no "easier age" to grieve; this includes a miscarried child.
5. Do not judge, dish out platitudes, or give unsolicited advice.
6. Learn and use a name.
7. Share a special memory or legacy, but never embarrass or reveal a confidence.
8. Ask a survivor for one of their favorite memories.
9. Some digital messages are appropriate, but seriously consider writing a note.
10. There is no time limit to acknowledge a loss.
11. There is no time limit to grief; respect the survivor's journey and choices.
12. Condolence gifts such as a thinking-of-you snack, journal or keepsake box are helpful gestures, and easy to process by young mourners.

Thank you for caring!

Was It a Peaceful Death? Opening the Door to Healing Conversation

The everywhere-ness of life

Source: Image © Michael Jastremski / 2014-04-28

Not long ago, a friend known for her goodhearted nature confided to me that a member of her church had lost a family member; it was announced to the congregation during the routine list of meetings, fundraisers, and children's activities. "Later that week, I saw her in the grocery store, and felt tongue-tied to say anything. I didn't want to upset her." This hesitancy is very common, I explained to my friend. But I assured her that a brief acknowledgement like "I was sorry to hear the news of your dad's death," has great value. I also explained that feelings of grief reside with the grieving: caring remarks do not cause grief.

When I learn of a death during a conversation 

Feather in bush
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I like to ask questions that immediately inform the family member that I am not afraid to talk about death. I want them to lower the social barrier they've learned to quickly erect; to understand that I care about their experience with this crucial moment of our humanity.

Before you ask a question

You too, can reverence this deeply moving experience by offering cues of invitation. But first, be aware of the situational moment! Are you or the bereaved in a hurry or obviously on the way somewhere? Have you met during a social occasion that dictates a light or celebratory mood? How much privacy do you have? Most importantly, tune into the person who had the loss. Something has prompted her to share 'my husband died in December;" so your compassionate interest certainly begins with "I'm so sorry. How are you [and your family] doing?" 

As you tune into responses and weigh the situational moment, you will know whether to quickly conclude with a hand on a shoulder, a hug, a suggestion to soon meet for coffee or a walk. If you are fortunate to sense the right blend of privacy and interest, you may begin asking gentle questions.

Begin with one question 

The Condolence Coach is not handing out free passes for nosiness. You do not have the right to pry, request medical details, financial arrangements, or confessions of grief's darkest moments. If you do not know the decedent's name, do ask, and as questions are used, include the person's name!

If the death occurred due to tragic or criminal circumstances

Compassionate interest begins by giving the bereaved a moment of control. Your one question should be: "Do you want to tell me about [it] [name]?" 

If the death was of natural causes such as advanced age, disease

Compassionate interest begins by acknowledging mortality. Your one question may be: "Was it a peaceful death?"

I follow up by asking, "Did you use hospice?"  Thankfully, end of life support has become the norm, with hospice providers routinely referred. Hospice is a specialized type of care that may address the patient's physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs; often, many support services extend to family caregivers. It can be comforting for a grieving person to speak about good end of life care because it acknowledges that something went right: one of the many caregiving and health advocacy decisions felt like TLC-- tender, loving, care.

If there was a hospice used, here are a couple followup questions:

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• What did you think of the hospice? 
• Which services or staff did you find most helpful?

Remember that compassionate interest and opening the door to healing conversation should not feel like an interview. At all times, allow the bereaved person to be in control. Be sensitive to cues of facial expressions, body language. Keep it relaxed and simple. The conversation will come to a natural conclusion like water filters into the ground at the end of a creekbed.

Be thankful

As the conversation ends, express gratitude for the trust and sharing you've been given. "Thank you for sharing this with me" is sufficient. Consider a warm handshake or pat on the shoulder--certainly a hug, if appropriate.

Learn more! Click on the topic links throughout this post to read other relevant Condolence Coach posts!

Thank you for caring!

ALS or INSPIRATION: What Makes Kay's Star Shine?

I met Kay today, and I'd like you to meet her, too. She's a fellow blogger, a retired high school math and computer science teacher with Midwestern roots. She raised two kids and now enjoys two grandkids.

Kay's Facebook blog, Kay's Shining Stars, reveals a brilliant mind, sharp wit, attention to detail and a bedrock attitude about rolling with whatever life hands you. For Kay, life literally rolls.

She spends a good part of her day in a power chair with everything at her fingertips...except that Kay no longer has the use of her limbs. No sweat; Kay is a problem solver:

"For the past year+ I've gotten along by duct taping a long stylus to a ball cap. I look like a giant bug as I use my "stinger" to peck out texts and fully utilize my iPad, in spite of my non functioning fingers."

Inspiration

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Every so often, when a pity party or the mirage of an insurmountable problem infects my attitude, I know the best antidote is a dose of inspiration. Sometimes I find it in a book or a walk in the mountains, but in human form, inspiration can also be breathtaking. Kay inspires with a universe of love. It is a calming pulse, as smooth as her complexion, which draws people in, like hummingbirds to nectar. She knows her limits and yet freely rides beyond time and place on that pulse of love.

"It is highly unlikely that I will get the chance to visit my hometown again. But I visit it often in my dreams, and I like to daydream of a bike ride about town visiting my favorite landmarks and recalling precious memories. I can't go home home, but home comes to me. Here are my hometown Shining Stars who continue to show up to offer support every Walk to Defeat ALS. Love you guys." 

Readers of my series on living beyond disabilities, discovered what Kay views as one mission of her blog:  "It's all about awareness."  The Coach believes it is also important to recognize the humanity of those who inspire; they have the right to express a spectrum of emotions. This is exactly what I (and her hundreds of followers) love about Kay's Shining Stars:  she tells it like it is! But don't expect to read something dismal:  Kay may be living with an incurable disease but she is not spending her days 'dying'! She maintains hundreds of friendships-- those 'Shining Stars'-- each brightening in Kay's universe of love.

  With permission, I am reblogging one of Kay's awesome posts:

I am a Low Talker

Maybe you remember the episode of Seinfeld with the "low talker" who no one can understand and it ends with Jerry wearing the "puffy shirt" to an important event. Very funny. But now that I am a low AND slow talker communication issues are a real challenge and not so funny.
I really miss being in the thick of a robust, entertaining conversation, Interjecting interesting, witty or annoying tidbits to keep the conversation rolling or telling my own usually enhanced story. Now I've become more or less an observer. By the time my oh so witty comment can be formed by the muscles of my tongue and mouth, the conversation has moved on. This was super frustrating when it first started happening, but now I'm getting better at sitting back and soaking it all in. This is actually a skill that most of us should practice more frequently as you learn so much this way.
But I'm much better in quiet one on one situations.

Kay wears her brilliant humor
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Here are some tips for talking with people like me. By the way, it is almost always well meaning strangers who make these errors.
Listen carefully, stand close, and make eye contact. 
Repeating things is very hard and takes so much energy. You will likely have to do some lip reading. I've stopped repeating things when people say, hmm or what, which happens all the time now. And guess what, mostly the listener does grasp the gist of what I tried to say or it really wasn't important enough to repeat anyway.
Do not asśume that my ślow voice means I'm mentally challenged. 
It makes me craźy when you address my caregiver or talk to me aś you would a small child.
Please use your normal voice, volume and vocabulary.
I do realize the woman at the hospital was just trying to be helpful last week when she said in a sing song voice, "Do you want some juice, sweetie?" Before I could reply, no just ice, she repeated loudly and slowly, "Do. You . Want. Some. Juice. Sweetie?" Now I'm just sounding ungrateful, and I'm really not, but part of me wants to SCREAM when this happens. "NO I DONT WANT YOUR STUPID EFFING JUICE CUP. I WANT TO WALK. I WANT TO RUN. I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE. I WANT TO HUG MY CHILDREN. I WANT TO SIP A FINE WINE. I WANT TO LEISURELY ENJOY A MEAL. I WANT SOME SHRED OF PRIVACY. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. BUT WHAT I REALLY REALLY DONT WANT IS THAT STUPID JUICE CUP!!!"
But I said nothing, drank the juice and whispered thank you to the nice lady.
At least no one has tried to put me in a puffy shirt, but this happens a lot these days.

Thank you, Kay, for letting us laugh as we grow in awareness!

To refresh your awareness with other inspiring people, readers may wish to visit my posts:
Part 1 Debunking Stereotypes
Part 2 Getting By or Growing Great
Part 3 Enjoy Your Journey

To read more about supporting someone with a terminal illness:

• Ask the Coach: What to Write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

• How to be a Friend During Terminal Illness

AN UPDATE FROM THE COACH: Dear Readers, I have learned that Kay died on Saturday, August 24, 2019. Her family has courageously shared their aching hearts in the post of that date: Kay's Shining Stars

Thank you for caring!