Journey of the Mind: Co-Meditation with the Dying

 Sacred Journey

Off and on for over twenty years, I’ve been a hospice volunteer and my favorite duty has been sitting with the actively dying. Tough, right? Actually, I view dying as a sacred journey--the counterpoint to the wonder of birth and thus, it’s a privilege to share that space with someone. One afternoon, I was called to visit “Cheryl,” who was quickly declining. Medications had been administered but I found her restless and distressed after a fall and painful arm injury. “I just want to go into the woods and die,” she cried. “Well, you can, Cheryl. Let’s go together,” was my reply.

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Gently stroking her hand, I described our walk from the sidewalk of a noisy Tucson street into the breeze whispering stillness of the woods.
Underfoot, the dense loam of brown leaves and pine needles hushed and softened our footsteps. Pale light filtered through the forest canopy; a squirrel darted by and unseen birds chittered now and then. “The woods smell so sweet; why don’t we sit on this big log for awhile, Cheryl.” In the afternoon stillness, our breathing slowed and words were unnecessary. We had arrived at the doorway to peace, and Cheryl left her body a few hours later.

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Freedom of Spirit

Jack Kornfield, author and a key teacher of mindfulness, calls this experience “freedom of spirit.” No matter what circumstances weigh on your physical life, your spirit--the ‘you’ behind the flesh--is always free. Kornfield reminds us, “your mind is not limited to your head,” so you need only be still and aware to enter unrestricted spaciousness. Older adults often find it easier to settle in a comfy chair, close the eyes, enjoy some full breaths and then float in awareness. The seas and breezes of your being may drift through memory and gratitude, to a place of deep peace. Some people call it a ‘practice’ and use bells and rituals to get here. Increasingly, health professionals are putting down the prescription pads and pointing to quiet places. 

Comeditation

If you find yourself with a loved one who is dying, or struggling with an illness, follow my example of introducing comeditation. It has been proven to calm physical and mental distress. It can be focused on natural, rhythmic breathing without words, but an explanation to the person you are caring for, helps them orient to the calm. It is also important to note that the dying person does not need to be conscious to benefit!

You can make a difference:  pull up a chair, take their hand, and ask: 

If you could be some place else right now, where would you go?

What a wonderful gift to offer! If their go-to place is something you can describe, do so; if they feel able to describe the journey, encourage them to be as vivid and sensory in their description, as possible. But for the fullest calming benefit, don't turn it into a dialogue. Finally, once you both have "arrived" at the place, sit quietly with eyes closed. Let the journey last for its comfortable duration. 

Read more about impermanence and mindfulness:

Impermanence: changing how you cope with change

Read more about mindfulness:

Finding pleasure and peace in slow

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

When You Cannot Vigil the Dying: Be There

The scouring of humanity

This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. As I write this, the Covid-19 pandemic began scouring humanity in early 2020, overcoming nearly 2 million people, worldwide by year’s end. In most settings, infection control measures have barred visitors from patient bedsides, even those dying. 

The empty chair beside the bed

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This is a post about what to do when you cannot be with a dying loved one. It applies to the myriad circumstances that might prevent you from keeping vigil, holding a hand, stroking a forehead, whispering words of love and gratitude close to their ear. The circumstances that keep you from the bedside are many, and may have nothing to do with the pandemic. I learned this in 2019, when my mother chose the peace of her distant home for her final months with cancer. My parents wanted privacy instead of a family event and, though eventually I was called to come help with care, for weeks before, I entered the room secretly.

This is a post about what to do when you think you cannot be with a dying loved one. This is the story of how I found the way to ‘jump over the wall’ and be right there with my mother. I soothed her, whispered encouragement, and experienced a deep communion. This technique is available to everyone.

Spirit to spirit

Have you heard the expression ‘we are spirits in human form’ ? Some refer to our spirit as ‘mind.’ This is not religious dogma, it is truth. You need only read or listen to a few accounts of near death experiences to awaken to this truth. (In addition to the books by Raymond Moody, a reliable source is IANDS, the International Association for Near Death Studies, Inc.)  What you do with this awareness beyond the purpose of this essay, is your choice. But, if you are faced with the inability to be with a dying loved one, here is what you can do.

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Each of our spirits (or minds) exist in a field of energy without boundaries of time, location, language or physical dimension. Knowing and accepting this is indescribeably wonderful! It means you can ‘jump over the wall’ and connect with someone through techniques that allow you unfettered access to the ‘field.’ These techniques include meditation, contemplation, and prayer. 

To visit my mother, I used a Metta meditation described in my essay on impermanence and change. I also recommend the meditations of integrative medicine and energy work practitioner Dr. Ann Marie Chiasson. In her book, Energy Healing: The Essentials of Self-Care, Dr. Chiasson explains the Metta Meditation, which Buddhist practice calls a loving-kindness meditation. Traditionally, there are four stanzas but for your spirit visit, I suggest repeating these three stanzas, four times. 

To begin, sit comfortably; while taking a few full, slow breaths, fill your mind with the image and true, joyful essence of your loved one. ‘Hold their hand’ and truly believe in this communion of spirits. Begin to softly speak these stanzas to them, savoring each expression with your heart and spirit; when you can, close your eyes:

Repeat each stanza four times

May I be at peace.

May my heart remain open.

May I awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May I be healed.

May I be a source of healing for all beings.

May you be at peace.

May your heart remain open.

May you awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May you be healed.

May you be a source of healing for all beings.

May we be at peace.

May our hearts remain open.

May we awaken to the light of your own true nature.

May we be healed.

May we be a source of healing for all beings.

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When finished, remain in this peaceful place with your eyes closed. Note how you feel. It is suggested that you do this loving-kindness meditation, daily. You will quickly feel that you are having a daily visit with your loved one.

Further insight into our connection as spirits can be found in an excerpt from this remarkably comforting poem by Henry Scott Holland. My mother requested that it be used on her memorial folder and each time I read it, I know the truth, that she is only in ‘the next room.’

Death Is Nothing At All

All is well,

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Whatever we were to each other, we still are.

Please, call me by my old familiar name.

Speak of me in the same easy way you always did.

Laugh, as we always laughed,

At the little jokes we shared together.

Think of me and smile.

Let my name be the household name it always was,

Spoken without the shadow of a ghost in it.

Life means all it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was…

All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

May all who are in this circumstance know that you are not alone. I wish you peace and the comfort of a spirit to spirit visit. Namaste.

Please share this with someone you know who is anticipating a loved one’s death.

Thank you for caring.

Impermanence (Anicca): Changing how you cope with change

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You may not be a bookworm but life is all about 'bookends,' as experiences and life conditions begin, alter and then, end. 

Change. Impermanence. Count on it. 

During the past few months, I have meditated on the concept that nothing stays the same; it has almost morphed into a daily game to see something become useless or end, and something new appear. Sure enough-- not a day goes by without newness.

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My path of study was accelerated by reading living this life fully: stories and teachings of Munindra. Anagarika Munindra (1915–2003) was a Bengali Buddhist master, scholar, and compelling teacher of the ancient Vipassana meditation technique. All world philosophies address change and, in Buddhist thought, the absence of permanence is known as anicca - one of the 'three basic facts of existence.'

Humans are born 'hard-wired' to create routines and seek comfort over discomfort. Once effective patterns for survival are met, we expand our search for pleasures, achievements, relationships. The 'expansion' phase is uplifting, often including our deepest relationships, and enduring life satisfactions. But, as Munindra taught: "Sooner or later, everyone has to be separated from all dear ones. For this we have to be ready always. This is the law of nature." 

Living life fully, under any condition

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The reality of Impermanence is not a warning to live cautiously. Instead, I am called to heighten my awareness of each moment. A young Foothill "littleleaf" Palo Verde reminded me to engage every cell toward life. The tree's chlorophyll glows a brilliant green from bark to spine-tipped branches, surging with life, in harmony with arid desert conditions.

In Buddhist thought, there are eight unavoidable worldly conditions known as Astha Loka Dharma. Read this 'bookends' list of expansions and contractions, and tell me if you put checkmarks by each, as I did:

• praise and blame

• gain and loss

• honor and disrepute

• happiness and misery

Calming the fevers of grief 

Grief can arise with any significant change. There is no easy path to ease the suffering other than eventual acceptance and even-mindedness. Often called equanimity or upekkha in Buddhist teaching, this neutral feeling may seem unnatural in Western culture. The swan dive from joy to misery, from life to death can easily cause a surge of adrenaline, intense emotions and some form of suffering. But the more you can seek out calming practices, the more balance of mind is restored.

• Be aware: when you feel an emotional surge, instead of flipping out, flip a switch to become aware that you have choices.
• Focus: take a breath, state a key word or phrase that reminds you to choose even-mindedness. My mantra is Let it be.
• Time out: it's time for a meditation. 
• There are apps that you can use to meditate 'discreetly and briefly' at your work (no matter what work you do!) like Headspace or Buddhify. 
• If you don't have a go-to practice, begin with a guided meditation; it will guide your focus away from the painful emotional surge. Think of it as a lifeline: just hang on. 
• Guided practice doesn't have to be complicated; I highly recommend a Metta meditation (click on the link) described by the Metta Institute as 'recit[ing] specific words and phrases evoking a "boundless warm-hearted feeling."'  This is called a loving-kindness meditation and truly imparts that embrace. Breathe and speak (or think) the words slowly and sink into the intention; I have used this through tears, stroking my own hand or cheek, or holding a precious memento:

 May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.

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• Walking in nature is also a soothing practice. Note your sensations and surroundings- like the air current on your skin, a wispy cloud, a wildflower, a bird call, butterfly or busy ant hill.

• Turn to other calming practices such as crafting, arts, music, or journaling but avoid drugs or alcohol during this spike.

When life's journey brings you to an ending, don't lose hope. Instead, consider these new approaches to 'the next new thing;' a bright surprise awaits!

Thank you for caring!

Follow these links to read more on these themes:

The 4 Immeasurables for condolence to a Buddhist friend
Compassion and Condolence: finding the words to walk together
Listen! A gift received, a gift given
The physics of intuitive compassion: Albert Einstein had it right!
Responding to tragedy: a million pieces of grief