Carry On! What Ants Can Teach Us About Struggle

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The Growing Through Grief series

UNEXPECTED LESSONS

On a walk this morning, I crossed paths with several ant colonies at work. Just as the bees, birds, and butterflies are busy collecting pollen and nectar from the wonderful blooms, the ants are signalling: it's feast time! What we sweep away as waste: dropped blooms, leaves, and other organic traces-- is headed for ant distribution, storage and most importantly: stomachs. 

Though we are routinely taught to shoo them away from the picnic table, and I'll admit: I don't want them in my home--ants are a fascinating species I have learned to learn from! 

YOU MAY BE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK

According to National Geographic Kids, "the ant is one of the world’s strongest creatures in relation to its size. A single ant can carry 50 times its own bodyweight, and they’ll even work together to move bigger objects as a group!"

(Author video)

When I am faced with an onerous or unfamiliar task, my knee-jerk reaction may be "I can't do it." But long ago, when faced with a challenging school project, my mother helped me sort out the difference between 'can't' and 'don't want to'. She gently advised me to not be afraid of hard work. Well, grieving can be a 'climbing Mt. Everest' kind of struggle. Every step requires the climber to dig soul-deep for the strength and motivation to continue. However, with very few exceptions, these climbers can reach the summit because they are roped with and work as-- a team!

DON'T 'GO IT ALONE'

Ants are team players-- described by entomologists as eusocial. (Yes, I take pride in noting that the workers in ant colonies are all female.) We've all observed long lines of ants carrying out tasks, and this is such an important reminder during the journey of grief. Don't  be a 'lone ranger. '

(Author video)

Western culture is often uncomfortable with death and grieving -- heck--we are even bombarded with anti-aging messages. The people around you may initially present admirable support, but culturally, the imperative to move on, leaves the grieving person behind. I explored these dynamics in my posts: Climbing Out of Deep Space: Through and Beyond Grief and What's the Big Hurry? Stop pushing the bereaved.

Thankfully, the Mourner's Bill of Rights validates your grief work. And as the ants teach us, you must form your own line(s) of ongoing support!

CALL IN THOSE FAVORS

"Ants don’t have ears, and some of them don’t have eyes! Ants “listen” by feeling vibrations from the ground through their feet, and eye-less ants such as the driver ant species can communicate by using their antennae! Plus, they can send chemical signals (called pheromones) released through their body to send messages to other ants!" (10 cool facts about ants, National Geographic Kids)

To form your own line(s) of ongoing support, you often must reach out and ask. During the initial reactions and contacts by friends, were you frequently told "Let me know if you need anything" ? Sympathizers usually feel so powerless, deeply wishing they could help you pole-vault over the pain and challenges. My readers know that good condolence includes specific and detailed offers of assistance like driving, chores, shopping, babysitting, companionship during difficult tasks. But rather than dismissing those vague, open-ended offers of help as platitudes, corral them! Start texting and phoning to cover your specific needs:

• "Can you come with me to the Social Security office on Friday?"
• "Jenna needs a ride home from school next Monday."
• "I don't know how to use the lawn mower--can you help?"
• "I dread bagging up his clothes; would you keep me company for that?"

Inviting others to feel useful and helpful in ways that you approve and appreciate is a win-win. Once upon a time, this was the social norm, but the Beatles hit With a little help from my friends reminds us this is a timeless principle, and nature--indeed, the ants-- prove it!

Read more about coping with stress:
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