Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Surprise: I thought I was past grieving

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There are some sounds, objects, places, dates and and times that trigger a melancholy moment or two. Surprise. He played soothing piano. She was an avid reader. We hiked in that canyon, got together for cards, ate tacos at that bar, watched that show on Saturday afternoon... and it has now been two or four or seven or fifteen years since their death but... your heart twists a little in those moments. Is it grief? Is it just enduring love? Is it okay?

It is all of the above.

I too, questioned---and even chastised---myself that:

• I rushed my grief work and now it was bubbling up because I hadn't "finished."
• I didn't know what grief really was.
• I didn't feel this kind of out-of-the-blue sadness after my grandparents passed; what was wrong with me?
• Maybe all the healthcare decisions (like starting hospice) weren't the right ones, and now I'll never find peace.

Maybe this, maybe that. Stop. 

Here are some facts about grief.

1. It is okay to move forward in life. 

Readers may remember my posts Grief Recovery: Grinding Up The Old Road, Paving The New and Be Brave With Your Life. Life is going to unfold--CHANGE--no matter what.  Maybe we learn how to adjust to little changes like a new class, a new healthcare routine, a new neighbor---as a form of training for the big stuff.  It is very important to give yourself a big hug every time a you take a brave step forward or find yourself in a brave "looking back" moment. 

        2.  Remember to stir some GRATITUDE into the deluge of feelings. 

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When I first put on a CD of piano music, which sent me into a panicked moment of grief, a person close to me scolded "don't do that!" But perhaps rather than fearing grief triggers by avoidance, it is helpful
to go ahead and feel it. Be honest in that moment and add a 'thank you' for the love behind the feeling. Another strategy is to ask a trusted individual to be with you for your early experiences of returning to an "old" activity.

Let me interject that, if your loss has resulted in a post-traumatic stress disorder for which you are following a care plan of treatment, please adhere to your plan. Healing and feeling secure are within your reach when you surround yourself with unconditionally loving support. At times, professional support is essential.

    

       3.    Do not judge yourself.

I cited just a few self-judging thoughts, above, and want to simply say: let it be! Judging, blame, regret are high on the list of thoughts that have low-to-no value... except that they guarantee an expansion of misery. Self acceptance, self love are as important as they are challenging, but try. Counter each self-blaming remark with a self-love statement. I frequently sign off condolence notes with 'be gentle with yourself' which is a nice way of saying LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK!

       4.    You are always growing.

I believe all of our circumstances are useful for our personal growth. Most world religions and spiritual teachings, including A Course In Miracles, recognize that a life path has stages of expansion and contraction, gain and loss, relinquishment and the discovery of new gifts. I have had dramatic shifts in circumstances where I simply had to trust in the discovery of new opportunities, gifts. They always show up. Patience, deep listening, visualization and supportive friends are useful. It is human to experience those unsettling moments of despair or frustration. Impulsive actions may look attractive simply because something is happening, but take a breath.  Action in response to a strong inner prompt for forward motion isn't bad: it is a fuel mix of hope and self-care, but that doesn't mean you should stomp on the accelerator. How about a relaxed survey of options, like a dress rehearsal?

When I sought a change of residence after being widowed, I wasn't certain where I wanted to move so I made a wish list. It included being closer to the friends and activities I enjoyed. So I got in my car and drove an hour+ to the communities that fit; I discovered that some places I thought would work were not ideal for impromptu coffee get togethers; I took another look at my wish list and refined what I needed to meet those goals. This dress rehearsal prevented me from an impulsive, poorly devised housing decision. Listen to your gut but use your head: spend time with your wish list and consider the pros and cons of those options. I believe you will know the difference between 😝IMPULSE and INSPIRATION 😇.

        5.    Griefbursts and time.

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I like to bake muffins and always set the kitchen timer. I set alarms reminders so I'm not late for Zoom meetings, and give myself plenty of travel time to arrive early for my volunteer work. But readers of this blog know that I constantly advise:  DON'T PUSH A GRIEVING PERSON!  Dr. Alan D.Wolfelt's The Mourner's Bill of Rights emphasizes individuality. It also refers to experiencing "griefbursts." Think of a time when you got caught in a rain shower:  it wasn't in the forecast and you didn't bring a jacket or umbrella but here it is, so you get wet but you'll wait ten minutes, and it will pass. Be patient with a griefburst. Recognize it as an aspect of having treasured memories and, as you know, memories can last a lifetime! I am making a new vow to receive surprise moments of grief with gratitude and love. 

Thank you for sharing and caring!