Are you someone who
"never got a chance to say goodbye"?
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| Collage by Paula Bowman |
Paula Bowman is, and recently shared her poem with me. Her friendship with 'Julie' had its ups and down-- what friendship doesn't? But when death doesn't give you both the chance to regain equilibrium and return to the loveliness of enjoying each other, it hurts.
The surviving friend may feel full-to-bursting with things left unsaid: apologies, fresh perspectives, and forgiveness. How do you handle feelings of unresolved issues, unfinished business and of course, LOSS? The Condolence Coach addressed loss of a friend in BFFs Die Too: bridging a best friend's death. The good news is that your memories will endure. The bad news is, yes, that your memories will endure. Which ones will you focus on?
One way to focus on the good memories is to put the bad memories to rest-- in fact, give them a proper funeral! To do so, you need to finish the fight, carry that 'unfinished' conversation to a state of acceptance. Think about it: in friendship, you accept so many things about another person. Can you find your way to this generous, compassionate embrace of their individuality, though the friend is not living? In Dear Frank, I'm Sorry You Died: writing to the deceased, the Coach suggested a method of letter writing to reach this calm state...thereby freeing you to focus on the good memories.
JULIE'S DEATH
by Paula Bowman
So there she is, beyond the pale,
And I have lost her, once again,
But I must realize that she
was truly gone from me
was truly gone from me
A long, long time ago. It is nothing new.
I tried and tried to reach her,
As we all grew older, And as time went by,
But she refused to see me.
And, as often is the case with death so final,
I never thought - not once -
that I would lose her all at once,
that I would lose her all at once,
One day, All in a moment's time.
I always thought - Was I pretending?-
I would have so much to say,
When once she let me in, again,
And I thought how much I'd make it better:
Everything all better.
Everything all better.
And here she is all dead, and passed away,
With Christmas coming in two weeks,
And now I'll never say it,
But it all fills up my heart:
Is this that age-old cry,
Of those that never got a chance
To say goodbye?
December 8, 2009
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Readers may want to explore these Quick Links
to other posts on the loss of a friend,
including losing friends as we age,
and the issue of regret:
LOSS OF A FRIEND:
LOSS OF AN AGING FRIEND:
FINDING PEACE FOR THINGS LEFT UNSAID OR UNRESOLVED:
SELF-CARE:
HELPING SOMEONE WHO HAS LOST A FRIEND:
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