Condolence for Sibling Loss

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The grieving experience of losing a brother or sister has some universal qualities but will also be highly individualized: people--and their relationships--are like that! Sibling losses may happen at any age, affecting all members of a family; see links to other posts, below. 

We have a particular sense of tragedy linked to the age of the person; But if you speak to a mature adult who mourns a sibling, they may express deep sorrow. Over the years, I have asked several people if they would be willing to write about their loss for this blog but always, the loss feels too fresh or complex for composition.  I simply encourage them to honor their grief journey. 

Finding words instead of walking on eggshells

Feeling understood--or at least, met with compassion, is such a gift. The Condolence Coach reminds readers that you can't fix the loss or remove its pain. Here are options to turn powerlessness into a power with the gifts of caring, listening, and supporting our shared human experience.

When you do not know the sibling

Unless you are an only child, you know what growing up with siblings is about... your own version of a family and its dynamics is individual but still, common ground exists. When you are told of the death, try to ask a few simple questions:

What is your brother/sister's name? Where do they live? Had you seen him/her in recent years? Do they have children or grandchildren? Any of these questions give you tools to personalize your condolence note. 

Sample note #1:

Dear _______,

I want to again express my condolence for the loss of your brother. Yes, we're 'of the age' for such things, but that cannot soothe the impact. Your brother 'shadowed' your own growing up, and knew you in ways most others don't. I have no doubt that you have been a beloved brother. How wonderful that _[share a wonderful fact, such as a recent visit, if any]_!

I like to remember (and have reminded myself of this when faced with family loss) that 'family' is a term which has no expiration date; bodies arrive and depart, but the relationship forever resides in the heart. I hope that thought can also be of comfort to you and [name other family or spouse of note's recipient, if any]_. 

Warmly,

Sample note #2:

 Dear______,

I was sorry to learn of your brother's recent death at his home in [location]. So many of us here feel that challenge of family distances during difficult times.  Does he leave children, a spouse? 

I have found such comfort in sharing memories at a time like this, and can only imagine the heartwarming conversations you've been having with those who knew and loved your brother. I would like to hear some of your memories.

When you know the sibling

It is such a 'plus' to have been acquainted with the decedent you are writing about. Have you had opportunities to see the siblings together? Knowing the sibling, or having heard many stories about their relationship to your friend, supports you in sharing kind memories or warm reflections. If there were difficulties, DO NOT assume you are being a good friend by bringing them up! Your note should never include disparaging, judging or painful comments.

Sample note:

Dear ______,

Thank you so much for letting me know of your sister [sibling name]'s passing. After losing your brother, Mike, last year, I can't imagine how battered you must be feeling. You often spoke about growing up  with [sibling name], appreciating that you were close in age. I loved your stories about [_____________].

Will her children be hosting a Celebration of Life? If you'll be traveling, I can take care of Puff, and watch the house. For now, be good to yourself: bathe your tender heart in sunrises and sunsets...

Sibling losses may happen at any age

Consider these variables:

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All members of a family are affected by sibling loss. 

• Read about how families cope at the loss of an infant
• Alexis Marie Chute writes about how her children responded to their brother's death
• My post on grieving grandparents has a continual stream of readers

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Widowed 101

Dear Readers,

Many of my peers are approaching or well-into the wonderful age bracket of maturity that is rich with life experiences. Exployment expertise or retirement recreation, travel, grandchildren, volunteering ... and saying goodbye to loved ones. 

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When you find yourself on a dramatically new path, it is a comfort to hear how someone else navigated the process, the pain, the prospects. I speak from experience and remember gratefully the support of friends, blogs, books, a support group. I made my own choices and that freedom was a bit frightening but also exciting. 

 While there are many types of losses addressed by the Condolence Coach (losses which can happen at any age,) My intention is that this post be a source of quick links to Condolence Coach posts on being widowed. Have you lost a partner or spouse? Are you supporting someone who has?These posts are for men or women, and unmarried committed partners, regardless of relationship status or sexual orientation. 

Now three years past widowhood, my biggest advice is: stay open to life.

As always, you be the judge of what you find helpful.

The Gift of Last Words

In the Bewilds: Trekking Grief's Wilderness

Grief Recovery: Grinding Up the Old Road, Paving the New

Be Brave With Your Life

Joy's Warrior Dragon: Courage Befriends a Widow

There's a Bear in the Closet: finding your safe spaces

Climbing Out of Deep Space: through and beyond grief

Surprise:  I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Comfort Objects:  Rereading Memento Notes

Keeping Memories Alive

Cricket After Cricket:  Life Goes On

"You Didn't Waste Any Time" and other reactions

Feathers From Heaven: Loving Blessings From Beyond

The Invisible Grief of Lesbian Widows

Grief Tools: An Emergency Kit For A Bad Day

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Condolence By Email: Caring Words Don't Need Postage

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It's time for me to update a position I wrote about over a decade ago. In writing To Hold A Card In Your Hand, I referenced etiquette expert Miss Manners (Judith Martin) and the courtesies and comforts of condolence notes received through the mail. The qualities I was most enthusiastic about had to do with being able to share the card, re-read the card, and to hold a card. And while there is certainly no reason to argue against those benefits, let's look at some realities.

Connections

Today, we know a lot of people through affiliations of activities, employment, volunteering, social media, chance-but-meaningful encounters and numerous other connections. BUT WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR MAILING ADDRESSES. In fact, in so many affiliations it would seem intrusive to even ask for a mailing address. I have encountered that 'awkward moment' in asking, and better realized that someone felt my request was crossing a line---too personal. So let's respect that, and move on.

There is a very good chance that your affiliation does include an email address. Never use email addresses for solicitation unless it is clearly a networking affiliation such as LinkedIn, Meetup, Facebook or another social media forum with the key purpose of information exchange.

Sharing

Condolence by email does allow sharing and re-reading. I have done both with emailed condolences and appreciate the quick access to archived email. Most importantly, the caring gesture, the sympathy and compassionate outreach is appreciated by someone facing a loss. 

Will there be a later cup of coffee and more sharing? You could mention it if both of you are local. But it is okay to maintain the electronic line and even elevate the 'meeting of hearts and minds', over the meeting of eyes over lattes.

Caring

With this established, what does your e-condolence say? 

• Who are you writing to? Are you writing to a relative, a coworker, a client? Are you the manager or owner of a company with a grieving employee? Need a cross-section of situational sensitivity? 

• E-cards: It's not necessary, but if you subscribe to an e-card app this is a good start. There are themes for sympathy and you can select the right imagery and vibe. Most cards are animated and have a soundtrack, so exercise the patience to preview the card to determine if it is suited to the recipient and the nature of the loss.

• Your words: There is only one mission to a condolence:  COMFORT. Never express a personal

  

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  agenda or judgment in condolence! I have actually been told or overhead these ill-suited comments: "Now that your cat is gone you can babysit my cat when I travel." "Being single has its benefits." "You can take your mind off it with the new project." "You still have the other kids." "Well, she was very old." "My memorial donation to ____ is eligible for the extra charitable deduction." Readers, you get my point!

• Sorry. Gratitude. Good Memories. Admiration. Connect with your heart before you start typing, and certainly before you hit SEND. This note does not have to be particularly lengthy, just focus on caring. Re-read your sympathy expression: does it warm your heart? If so, you have written a lovely e-condolence. 

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Grief and Condolence During the Holidays

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This is the darkest day of the year... 

according to astrophysical data; the winter solstice brings sunrise later and sunset sooner. For someone grieving, that's nothing new. 

And it doesn't need to be "new" grief to feel acute at this time of year. Holiday seasons are known to trigger sentimental longings in general, and very painful longings for loved ones (and pets) who are no longer in our physical world.

If you are compassionately leaning toward others who are struggling during these days of holiday songs, decorations, gaiety, and celebration rituals, here are some helpful ideas from some of my past posts.

If you are grieving---newly or seasonally, these and other posts may be helpful. You can use the keyword search to find many more supportive posts, including posts about specific types of loss.

Gifts For Someone Grieving

Condolence During the Holidays

Nan Zastrow's 8 Steps to Tame the Holiday Blues

Supporting Grieving Teens

Compassion for Pet Loss

Surprise: I Thought I Was Past Grieving

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Undoing the Stress of llness

What is the Undoing Hypothesis?

"Undoing" is pretty simple: you counteract a stressful experience or situation with a steady intake of comforting images and experiences. It is so beautifully accessible to all, that I felt I must be its advocate...and encourage you to be, too.

I switch up toothpastes to relieve the boredom of brushing; this month, I started using a Tom's of Maine paste. I was inspired by the thought provoking tagline on the tube:

Do a little good today

(My friend Lauren calls it a mitzvah) 

This is right on target for UNDOING as that adjective 'little' entices us with a kernel of hope:  it may not take a huge, costly effort to heal from or regain equilibrium when a difficult experience or illness affects us emotionally. 

What does little look like?

Little could be: waving at a neighbor, snagging that crumpled flyer before it blows down the street, coming to a full stop at the corner, being patient in line, not muting a rambling storyteller in your zoom group, and texting "how are you today?" to an ill friend. 

Doing a little good...when someone is ill

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An illness can be a brief inconvenience or a long road of struggle. When you know a friend or family member is struggling, one method of assisting with undoing is to 

...allow a person to live without a label 😎

One important way to do that is to follow Tom's suggestion to do a little good today. You don't have to concern yourself with cause, prognosis, or preparedness; just show up today and in whatever way seems best for the individual, do a little good!  For some, sending a funny photo, or adorable animal video link is a hit. Validation of the individual-- reminding them of their true qualities as a loving, creative, caring person-- is important. Share some affection, too---it's easy with emoji:  💓💞💜💝🎀🏆 Don't let seriousness overwhelm the circumstance: undoing can be helped by a silly moment, a laugh!👙👠⚽🎈🏄🎠🌅🌈🌎🌊

Let today be what it is. 

In a culture of supersizing, doing a little good has a lovely vibration of gentleness and simplicity. I love to simply ask "how is your day?" Then just listen. When you are trusted, your friend or loved one will feel safe saying things like "I don't feel well today," or "I didn't cry today," or even "I think I'm turning a corner: I'm ready to let it go."

My weekly visits to persons in a care center for hospice, take on many forms. It can be dining room chitchat about pigtails and ice cream. It can be offering one faith nugget to dispel worry or a kernel of kindness in playing an old song on your phone. I am not curing or removing a terminal condition; that is not my undoing role. But I am offering peace---the undoing of desperation and fear. Peace is a huge gift; actually, you are not giving the peace but you are helping someone navigate to find it in the center of their being. 

And the day(s) may come when you enter the room and say, "I'm here, it's me, __________, I'm just going to keep you company now."  And the 'little good' of just sitting quietly nearby, with or without a light touch, is immeasurably perfect.

More posts on supporting the ill or dying:

Ask The Coach: What to write to a Friend with Terminal Illness

Final Conversations: Helping the dying transition from this world

How to be a Friend during Terminal Illness

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Hiring A Eulogy Writer: Composing Great Words For A Great Tribute

 I love how we all agree: there's a story to every life! 

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And The Eulogy Writers recognize this first and foremost. They also recognize that when you are acutely mourning the death of a dear one, and planning a service, it can be very hard to gather all the love and pain into one cohesive tribute. Writing a eulogy is an act of honoring someone but it is also an important opportunity to tell the story of one life. That is a big task. It reminds me of that famous poem, The Dash, where the author notes that between the events of birth and death a remarkable story unfolds. 

In my years of funeral service, I have set up the microphone for various clergypersons, life celebrants, and family members. Once everyone was settled in the chapel, I would sit in the office and listen to the service. I've heard very sad attempts at eulogies -- not just "sorrow" sad but the kind of sad that made me heartsick... this designated person arrived to be the officiant and spokesperson and might as well have been mowing their lawn...that's how dull and trite and cliched and impersonal it was.

A passion for touching hearts

And then there was Rev. Dr. Steven Schafer.

Steve Schafer

At the time, Steve was pastor of a nearby Congregational Church. He was passionate about his work and especially about the honor of eulogizing. We would call on him frequently for families without a clergy connection, and Steve would quickly arrange to meet them. His tenderness in guiding a discussion of sharing about a loved one resulted in a deep understanding, respect, and joy for the shining human light that had just left this world. Steve was so skilled at working with families during this painful time of funeral preparation that he authored a book, Funerals For Strangers where he shared not only suggestions on how to craft a memorable eulogy but offered many templates for comforting, uplifting tributes. 

Today, a collective of similarly gifted men and women (Ralph DiBiasio-Snyder, Abi Galeas, Miriam Hill) have joined with Steve Schafer to offer timely eulogy preparation --- delivery promised within 24 hours! The Eulogy Writers - Writers of Great Eulogies For Over Forty Years.

"Our job is to take your words and organize your thoughts and artfully phrase your memories in such a way that you will be proud to present the story of the one you've loved and lost."

Empowering You

It is really special when, despite nervousness and sadness, a family member rises from their chair and shares from the heart how their loved one lived and impacted others. The Eulogy Writers want to empower a family with a tribute that feels and sounds like your voice. The pages of clients' appreciation speak volumes. 

I have not been compensated for this blog post and I hope it doesn't sound like an advertorial. I simply want to share my experience and point out the exceptional before you have to google the topic yourself. You may not need this support service today or tomorrow. You may have just attended or facilitated a funeral service and hope it's a long time before the next. I too, hope your road remains smooth. But file this away:  if the time comes, consider the value and support gained in hiring a eulogy writer.

Thank you for caring and sharing!

Readers: you may be interested in reading this post, which contains Steve Schafer's guidance on Writing Condolence To Clergy. 

Time Management After A Loss: Average Days Are Good!

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We all strive--or hope and pray for daily equilibrium but in truth, life can be like corn popping --

challenging us to adapt, respond, navigate. We can be quite amazing in how much we juggle, how we steady ourselves with humor, gratitude, love, and dedication. 

Weighty Days

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Living with grief has enough "weight" attached to it that a person can truly feel in an altered state.  Whether one is coming down from the intensity of caregiving, or coping with sudden changes and stresses in financial security and family matters, ADAPTING, RESPONDING, and NAVIGATING don't come as easily now. At times, we can't see the crack of light under the weight. For most of us, time and a support system enable us to recover--growing stronger and more steady as we regain equilibrium.

I'll take average!

Visiting patients on hospice at a local care facility, my presence as a friendly listener relieves monotony and loneliness. During a recent visit with a 93 year old man I'll call "Dustin," I was both enlightened and delighted by an unintentional pearl of wisdom. The conversation went like this:

"How's your day going, Dustin?"

"Uh, some of it hasn't been easy, but some has been good. I guess it's been average."

"Average? Wow--like finding the average among numbers. I like that, Dustin! Difficult plus good averages out to an average day. Not much wrong with that."

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While my enthusiasm far surpassed his, Dustin acknowledged me with a slight smile, focusing on drawing oxygen from the nasal cannula.  "Average" has had a bad rap as underachieving, compromising, pathetic. I propose we see average as harmonizing, accepting, stable. When you are on a river, "going with the flow" sums up a current that may have rocks and floating debris, as well as leaping fish and turtles on logs. It averages out well.

Dustin's remark stands out as a tremendous way to cope with the great swings that occur during grieving. If I can AVERAGE the dark or sad moments with the lift I feel at seeing new blooms and a bird at the feeder; the comfort of a friend's compassionate call; the coziness of wearing a loved one's hoodie... 

I can average out the day's moments and feel hope on this journey...one hill, one day at a time.

Thank you for caring...and sharing!

Feathers From Heaven: Loving Blessings From Beyond

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First, the loneliness

Tony and Liz* met at a widower/widow support group. They clicked and continued a steady, comforting companionship. Although we grow in numbers day by day, being widowed---losing a spouse/life partner sure feels lonely! Who else but another grieving spouse can understand how it feels to now wake alone, eat meals alone, make decisions alone, do all the little daily things alone. You look at that section called 'Emergency Contact' on various applications and medical information forms and you're struck (often stuck) wondering: No one's got my back! No one's waiting for me!

So Tony and Liz had many conversations, learned each others' stories---joys and heartbreaks, accomplishments and dreams. They appreciated being real with each other about losing 'the love of their life.' And that's when Liz shared about the feathers. 

People have long had experiences of contact with a departed loved one. It may be a familiar scent in the air, the appearance of a symbol, object, song; the possibilities are endless and deeply personal. Sometimes, a surviving spouse or family member had requested "when you get to heaven, send me a sign," and there may have been an agreed-upon indicator. Liz had heard of someone receiving a feather as a sign of wellbeing after death. She liked that idea and told her dying husband, Lenny: Please send me feathers of encouragement.

Well, she got feathers! Liz has told of feathers wafting in her home, and laying on unexpected surfaces. It warms her heart. She shared the story of feathers with Tony, who'd never heard of such things. He'd not asked his weakening wife for a heavenly signal and now regretted it. What a comfort it would be to somehow hear from Maura!

One afternoon, sitting together on Liz's patio, a feather drifted down and settled on her leg. Look at that! they both happily acknowledged. Moments later, the feather lifted on a slight breeze and, "of all the places it could have gone to settle, it landed on my leg!" Tony marveled.

There was no doubt in their minds. It was a loving blessing from beyond. 

How To Respond

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Readers come to this blog to learn and grow in sensitivity. The takeaways I'll leave you with, as a caring friend are these:

• Be supportive, whether or not you believe in unusual or paranormal experience. Say:
•  I can tell you have been comforted by this, and I am so happy for you. 
• Who am I to judge whether this is possible or not? It is fascinating, wonderful, and a blessing!
• Do not judge, belittle, try to explain, or re-direct your widowed friend to what you deem are more worthwhile activities or insights. 
• Read: Be Brave With Your Life

Read more about special messages from departed loved ones: 

Unusual Comforts in Grief: keep your opinions to yourself

Thank you for caring and sharing!

*This true story was shared with me, but for their privacy, I've changed names.